Are you one of those who gets extremely excited about the holidays, or do you tend to feel more overwhelmed and stressed out about it?
Sometimes, the thought of cooking the perfect meal, or finding the perfect gift for everyone can seem a bit daunting.
Do not fear! 3 Steps are enclosed for just this!
-------- Not the cooking part, you are on your own there...
But the gift part- Let's talk about it!
Do you know someone who finds the perfect gift for everyone? They start planning months in advanced for their dearest loved ones and talk about it excitedly with others.
They are probably a Gift Giver. This is a reference to their primary love language.
If you have not read "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, I would argue that you are missing out on one of the most valuable relationship reads in existence.
The principles apply to all relationship types and human interactions, providing you with the tools to understand others better and equipping you to more effectively express your love towards those who matter the most.
A quick overview of the book will be discussed below.
There are 5 Primary Love Languages:
Quality Time
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Gifts
Every human has one or two primary love languages which they naturally speak and wish to receive the most.
The quickest, easiest way to identify someone's primary love language is to watch their actions and their complaints regarding their loved ones or human interactions. It will become super obvious and easy to read over time.
Some examples:
I have a neighbor who serves in the military, tutors the kids in the neighborhood, and is always working on a project, such as building benches for the community park.
Acts of Service, could not be more blatant here...
My uncle is the same way. He never stops helping others. He is always mentoring, tutoring, offering to assist with projects, picking up food for people. He is so obvious as Acts of Service.
I have a friend who's house I cannot visit without leaving with a handful of items she wants me to have. She never misses a birthday or holiday opportunity to hand select well thought-out gifts.
Another friend of mine, always asks me if I want anything from the gas station or the store. He tries to buy me something every chance he gets. He carefully plans out gifts for his family and feels hurt when he receives nothing or something random of clear low-effort in return.
Did I hear somebody say "Gift Givers"...?
I have a family member who only accepts gifts of quality time. Gifts are a no-no with her. All that matters is that we are together.
Quality Timer-- Duhhhh!
I don't know of a lot of people who's primary love language is Words of Affirmation. But these people need to hear the words "I love you." They need to hear words of affirmation, support, encouragement and compliments. They love handwritten letters and thoughtful text messages. They feel neglected when these things are missing in a relationship, friendship or even in business.
Then there's the people who will hug you and shake your hand until you tell them to give you space. They are always trying to high five and link arms, or play footsie. They may complain about a lack of affection in their relationships.
You have guessed it right... That's a Physical Toucher for you!
How does this all apply to Holidays and Birthdays?
Well Step One to nailing all future holidays and birthdays with family & friends is to :
STOP ASSUMING EVERYONE IS WIRED THE SAME WAY
Everyone does not want a gift for their birthday or for Christmas, but that does NOT mean they don't want anything at all. Ask them what is important to them. What are their birthday or holiday wishes?
It is ABSOLUTELY OKAY to directly ask!! We are all not mind-readers. Well, I am--- but I am not everybody...
Step Two is:
Learning to identify, respect and speak other love languages that are not your primary, natural love language.
There is no right or wrong love language here. A lot of people make the mistake of assuming everyone is wired the same way as themselves. If they want gifts, they assume everyone else does; if they only want quality time, they think there is something wrong and materialistic about gift giving, etc. etc.
Sometimes, you might tell somebody what your love language is and they may initially exhibit great difficulty understanding it and they may even try to force their primary language onto you, as if they know what you want or need better than you do.
Ex: I've met a lot of gift givers who do not believe me when I say I do not want any gifts. It feels so wrong to them to not give me anything. It could take a while for them to understand that all I truly want is a food date and to walk together in the park. That is okay, as long as they work to adjust to this new concept of love which seems so foreign to them.
As a bit of a compromise, I have also learned to come up with a list of gifts that I can accept to try to make it easier on my Gift Giver friends:
My favorite kinds of gifts are, for example:
Massage gift card, pedicure gift card, Home Depot gift card, Amazon gift card, food date, live music date, nature date, money for shopping and home improvement projects...
I have learned to go out of my natural patterns and practices to carefully select gifts for friends who I have identified as Gift Givers. If I was not paying special attention, I would completely miss the opportunity to do this because it does not come natural to me. This innocent goof could leave my friends feeling unloved or unappreciated by me over time, especially if it becomes a reoccurring theme.
This brings me to the next point:
Many of us inherit the primary love language we grew up with. If quality time is preached and demonstrated as the primary expression of love, it is likely that you will carry this preference into adulthood.
If you grew up in a household where your parents were always at work and they showered you with gifts to show you that they loved you and were thinking of you, it is likely that tangible items mean a lot to you. Gift giving is not about expensive gifts or materialism. It is about having a tangible sign of someone's love for you. It can be hand-me-down clothes, a miniature house of toothpicks or hand-picked flowers. The point is, to feel loved, you generally value having a physical representation of it. Objects have sentimental value to you more than others.
This Holiday Season, let's have intentional conversations with those we care about to learn what makes them feel the most loved and appreciated. Take the guess work out of it and just ask. This would be Step Three!
Alot of people like to receive love from others the same way they give it out, but not everyone. I know a lot of guys who's primary love language is Acts of Service but they don't want that reciprocated. Some of them will say that they will accept all 5 of the love languages, as long as it is genuine and intentional.
I'd say the best gift many ladies can give their man is to stop criticizing and micromanaging them. Once you get that basic bad habit under control, you can proceed to experiment all 5 love languages with your man to see which ones he responds to the best.
Just remember, masculine men are naturally givers and sometimes receiving anything feels uncomfortable to them. Instead of showering them with compliments, gifts or affection, my recommendation would be to start with a light and evenly balanced diet of all 5 love languages with the main focus on showing your man your love through RESPECT.
This brings us to the next most crucial relationship book: Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.
Men feel loved the most when they feel respected. What love is to women is the same as respect to most men. When you show respect, gratitude and appreciation for his manly ways (protecting, serving, providing, meeting your needs); when you show him that he makes you happy and satisfied, that is typically all he wants and needs. He enjoys solving problems and overcoming challenges. Correct me if I am wrong, men!
Obviously, there is an exception to every rule and a million variables which could be argued in an attempt to prove these generalizations wrong. The fact of the matter is, these are good rules of thumb to follow and they will produce good outcomes when implemented, in most scenarios.
During this Holiday Season, as you think about what you want and need, be confident in making this a topic of discussion with family and friends. Provide them with the opportunity to express their unique wants and needs as well. Invite them to communicate these differences without judgement and without trying to change them to be more like you.
BTW-If somebody tells you all they want to do is bake cookies together and sit by the fire, there is a high probability they are a Quality Timer!! It takes one to know one! ;)
Please share your thoughts and experiences on this topic. These basic communication concepts and principles should be taught in our school systems to build a healthier society, by reducing rates of resentment, misunderstanding, hurt, neglect and toxic relationships.
We need to be taught how to LOVE! It has become over-complicated and misconstrued...
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