I am a firm believer that most human beings mean well and do the best that they can with the knowledge, skills and experiences that they currently possess.
With that being said, I have witnessed many botched attempts in how the average human being reacts to a close contact going through a divorce. All of these botched attempts have served as the inspiration for this post.
It should be obvious that every human being is different and what may not be helpful to one person, could very well be helpful to another. Everyone's needs and upbringings are unique.
However, if you are in need of a quick-guide that will work well for most human beings going through a divorce, look no further!
12 Things NOT to say:
Oh no, what happened!? You guys looked so happy! (Insert partner name) seemed like such a great guy/gal!
Did you both try counseling?
Did you consult with (Pastor/religious leader/any other human being in the world) before making this decision?
I am sorry to hear this. Praying for you both. (*Never follows up again, accept for maybe to say "praying for you both" one more time.)
I hope you tried counseling first.
God hates divorce. I hope you had a good enough reason.
Are you sure? Think about everything you are going to lose...
So many people would be happy to have been in your place.
I wish you would have told me you were having issues sooner... Maybe I could have helped.
I told you he/she was an asshole a long time ago, you didn't want to listen.
Except for issues related to physical abuse or infidelity, you two should have been able to work it out.
Have you thought about what people are going to say?
The list could go on and on but you get the picture...
The point is, regardless of your relationship with the individual getting a divorce, now is NOT the time to:
Be Nosey
Be Preachy
Be Cold/religious
Question their decision
Say "I told you so"
9 Supportive things TO say:
Wow, I'm surprised and sad to hear you are going through this. Is there anything I can do to help?
That must have been a difficult decision. I proud of your for taking care of yourself.
I am here if you need anything.
I can listen if you need someone to talk to.
I am sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it?
How can I help you during this difficult time?
Who do I need to hurt?
Are you okay?
How are you doing?
7 Additional ways to help:
Do not throw bible scriptures at them on how much God hates divorce.
Do not ask for or demand an explanation or any details.
Do not bash either party.
Do not stop reaching out to them because you feel awkward about the situation and don't know what to say.
Invite them over or out for various activities and DO NOT bring the subject up. If they talk about it, make eye contact and tell them you are proud of them for doing their best in the situation. DO NOT offer unsolicited advice.
Send them a care package.
Check in on them and ask how they are doing and just LISTEN if they respond.
I create custom Divorce care packages for my loved ones. The items are carefully selected based on my knowledge of the person and the relationship.
Divorce is a similar grief process to mourning the loss of a loved one. Your partner has died to you. The marriage has died. All of the future dreams and plans you had together typically die as well. Mourning the loss of someone who is still physically alive is complicated. It can become even more complicated if you have to continue to see them or interact with them via co-parenting or other long-term commitments.
It can be difficult to understand or empathize with someone going through a divorce if you have never been through one, or if you have never witnessed someone close to you go through one.
The goal of this post is to equip you with practical scripts and tips to come across as less of an unsupportive prick, as many unintentionally do. Your ability to provide adequate support and empathy during this critical life challenge, could have long term effects on your relationship with this person. The best advice is to kindly check your assumptions, judgments and religious tone at the door, and be present with the affected individual.
Feel free to share additional tips and experiences you may have encountered when dealing with issues of divorce in your life.
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