*Being single for a significant period of time, is crucial. (Two weeks doesn't count.)
A "significant period of time" can involve a different duration of time for each individual reading this post. It is not so much about the number of days, months, or years, as it is about the circumstances and the mindset of the individual experiencing singleness. This period of singleness involves having no real living partner (housemate) or romantic partner for a duration of time longer that your initial personal preferences and causes you to stretch outside of your comfort zone and grow in ways you never expected or anticipated.
Bouncing from one casual dating situation or physical relations partner to another, in which you call yourself single by relationship status but typically have a pseudo boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse that you rely on for anything (minute or significant), would not fall within this particular definition of being "single for a significant period of time." Therefore, I would not be surprised if you do not experience the related benefits as listed in depth below:
Being single and alone for the right duration of time for your unique personal growth needs, can produce the following invaluable benefits that will bless you and your future partner beyond what you could ever imagine. Developing an open and growth-oriented mindset while you are in your less-than-ideal relationship status is crucial to obtaining the greatest results possible.
First, let's define key terms for this post to minimize confusion.
There is being Single and then there is being Alone. Then there is being Single and Alone.
There's also what I call being Alone and In a Relationship.
Alone is simply time you spend by yourself whether married, single, or in a relationship.
Single, in this post, refers to not being in any kind of serious romantic relationship or partnership.
Single and Alone is referring being Single and living on your own, not with family or friends. (Being a single mom living alone with your young kids would technically fall under this category because they are dependents.)
Alone and In a Relationship is a concept for another post but it refers to being in a romantic relationship or partnership in which it feels like you are alone in everything.*
*There could be several combinations of relationship or communication issues at play here. If you have tried everything and cannot resolve this dynamic, in most cases you should remove yourself from the situation because it is generally unhealthy. Being Single and Alone is 1000 times easier and healthier than being Alone and In a Relationship.
6 Reasons why being Single and Alone can make you a better partner...
You find yourself. Your passions, your pet peeves, your weaknesses, your strengths, your life's purpose, your deepest desires and callings. The people we spend most of our time around largely influence our perspectives, decisions, sense of self-worth, hobbies, etc. and can greatly distract us from our ability to tap into deep self-awareness and insight. This is because our environments and people around us from a young age have a way of defining us, even without any mal intentions. Being alone provides us the gift of freedom to go out on our own and truly find ourselves, without all of the fears, perspectives and limiting beliefs of our initial surroundings. Living alone means you have no primary influences who could otherwise subconsciously affect your mood, motivation and energy levels around the clock. Being single and alone also allows for more time for us to heal from trauma (big and small) or realize that we may benefit from professional counseling to expedite our healing recovery process.
You learn to take responsibility for your health and happiness. You can't make excuses or blame your partner for these things when there is no one to blame but yourself (and your family, genetics, childhood, etc. Therapy is excellent treatment for the blame struggle!). I see far too many couples blaming their spouses or expecting their spouses to solve these personal issues for them.
You learn to manage your own finances and work for the lifestyle you want to live. Every human should have this skillset to avoid being financially trapped or dependent in a relationship which can then easily become abusive, neglectful, manipulative on both ends, and difficult to escape. It is also poor practice to expect someone else to give you everything you want in life. Even if you don't work a traditional job, you should still be able to figure out how to support yourself and obtain the things you want in life, therefore protecting you from being dependent on another human for your survival and life satisfaction.
You learn first-hand and fully understand every advantage and disadvantage of being single and alone. This is critical because then, when you finally choose to commit your life to someone, you are far less likely to have a delusional ideal of "the grass being green on the other side" and feel like you are missing out on something. You have already been there and know exactly what you chose to give up to be with your partner. It was your fully educated decision to do-so and the pros obviously outweighed the cons which led to your lifelong commitment.
You are more likely to treat your partner with kindness and respect & cherish the relationship with the utmost grace and gratitude. Hear me out before you get defensive on this one... It is only fact that the harder you have to work for something that you desire and the longer you have to wait for it, the better you will treat it and take care of it once you finally obtain it. Blood, sweat and tear equity is a real thing
You are less likely to take your partner for granted and become an ungrateful, married brat. Sorry all, I typically try to refrain from the practice of name calling but I feel strongly about this one. This is just a reiteration of point 5 to add further emphasis. Ladies, when you have spent years taking out the trash by yourself, cutting the lawn every single week, shoveling snow and buying electric-start snowblowers, finding creative ways to open difficult jars and move furniture by yourself, you are simply far less likely to be a nagging, critical, micromanaging spouse towards your partner. Be mad at me if you want to, but facts are just facts. One of my greatest pet peeves in life is witnessing people criticize and micromanage their highly patient, highly successful, caring and faithful spouses. I digress...
Bonus- Being Single and Alone may be an important part of learning to recover from issues and love addictions related to co-dependency, which can cause a perpetual pattern of toxic relationships in your life, if left unaddressed and untreated.
Is Being Single and Alone becoming an important missed- opportunity ?
Everyone's path is different in life, and while for some people, being Single and Alone may not be in the cards or apart of God's plan for them, I suspect that many others do have this card in their hand and quickly discard it every time they pick it up from the deck. How many more times are you going to discard it, before you decide to learn how to play it to win the game?
I understand that traditionally, for my parent's generation and further back, young people typically lived with their families until they got married. In terms of general safety and financial planning, this seems to be an excellent plan of action, especially in situations where cost-of-living is high.
As divorce rates continue to rise, more people are getting married later in life and some are choosing not to have kids or not get married at all, society is continuing to change and evolve as societal practices, norms, expectations and problems progress.
Now that there is much more equal opportunity, various housing options, and many well-beaten paths that have been trail-blazed by pioneers before us, I believe it is important to present a planned season of living Single and Alone as an important opportunity that can be recommended to young people as they are still trying to figure out their careers, passions and life goals.
Instead of being a society or a generation that pressures people into relationships before they are ready and judges those who are single beyond their thirties as being damaged and selfish or makes assumptions that the single person must be homosexual, narcissistic, crazy or a variety of other random inaccurate labels, maybe we can begin to embrace each person's unique path. Let's try to recognize and drop our assumptions when interacting with those who are choosing a different path than our own.
*Side Note for my beloved Church People:
Please stop pushing marriage and immediate post-wedding-day pregnancy ideals onto young people as the only wills of God for their lives. I've seen far too many church leaders and congregations (even if it is unintentionally) pressure young people at a stage in life when they should ideally be focused on other things, such as finishing college or becoming established in their careers first.
Can we work on this culture issue? It is time to focus on providing better, more comprehensive mentorship to our youth to increase their rates of success in every small and big life decision they encounter. This should include but not be limited to dating, college planning, debt and finances, career paths, marriage and family planning.
I agree that love, marriage and kids are probably some of the most beautiful and exciting parts of life and therefore it is important that we be more mindful of the messages and unspoken expectations we may be unconsciously piling onto our youth. They really needn't cram all three of life's biggest high points into 1 twelve-month period immediately after college graduation. That is too much for most average humans to successfully manage, process and enjoy. It also can potentially set them up for decades of low-points, in comparison, which can contribute to sentiments of post-college, post-partum, and post-honeymoon depressive states. All the fun life celebrations are over because they were packed into a 2 year period and now the person is thrusted into the real-life stresses of being new to their career, parenthood, and marriage. Don't let them look up and wonder where all of the people who cheered them on went when actual problems arise.
The family unit is the most important building block of society, and the strength, unity and health status of the family unit directly impacts the strength, unity and health of the greater community. To help slow the rate of our crumbling society, we can start by not encouraging young, emotionally immature, financially unstable, adults to get married and have kids before they are individually ready. Let's help each of them prepare properly if that is indeed a goal that they have for themselves.
MARRIAGE IS NO GAME. It is one of the most serious commitments one could ever make. If a person cannot stay committed to other short and long-term goals without quitting, how are they going to effectively problem-solve through the trials of marriage?
If a person is unable to effectively manage their own mood, frustrations, disappointments, health, or finances, they have no business bringing their mess into another person's life at an intimacy level as serious as marriage. It is inconsiderate and a recipe for a toxic relationship. Hurt people hurt people, the cycle gets out of control and every person is society is eventually negatively impacted by it.
Personally, I am far more concerned by the societal ramifications of toxic, unhappy, abusive, neglectful, infidelity-filled marriages, than I am by divorce. Both negatively impact any children involved, but the former perpetuates generations of toxic behavior problems. The latter at least has the potential to teach boundaries, self-worth, honesty, and showcase the maturity and strength it takes to admit mistakes or failure, face embarrassment and recover from it all.
Marriages have the ability to become much stronger, happier and longer-lasting when individuals take time to build financial security, mental stability, self-love, self-worth, self-awareness, emotional intelligence and prioritize reaching important personal goals (which may be related to travel, career, or purpose-finding discoveries) and milestones prior to choosing the one person they are vowing to spend the rest of their days with.
Going away to college can provide an invaluable self-discovery experience that helps one find their identity and purpose as they move out on their own for (possibly) the first time ever, without being under parental supervision. It is a nice taste of and transition towards the full independence that comes with adulthood. However, it is still a very sheltered environment with tons of on-site support, both financially, physically and emotionally. I would argue that going away to college does not provide the same depth or level of benefits that can be achieved through living Single and Alone for a period of time post-college graduation. The real world is far too different from campus life. I would highly recommend that most young people experience, explore and learn to find and begin to master their own path in the real world prior to shacking up with a Till-Death-Do-Us-Part partner, whenever possible. Why? Well, when choosing someone to spend forever with, it is best practice to make sure you desire the same things in life and that your personalities and ways of living are compatible. It is difficult to make these determinations when you have not yet reached these stages of self-development. Age is irrelevant here. Maturity levels and psychological or spiritual growth patterns do not coincide with birth years by any means. Too many other factors are greater influencers here, e.g. genetics, upbringing, childhood environment, trauma, family dynamics, mentorship, social networks, etc. Will you vow to begin the habit of silently assessing a person's stage or season of life, as well as their current personal goals and priorities (or challenges), before making comments on or asking questions about when they are going to get in a relationship, get engaged to the person they are with, or plan to have kids?
Let's expand our go-to topics of discussion, especially when conversating with young adults.
"How's work?" may prove to be another dud icebreaker for some individuals if they don't want to talk about work.
"How's life?" can work sometimes, but also can be too vague for certain people to open up.
I recommend pairing the most basic conversation starters with serious compassionate eye contact, followed up by actively listening. This always seems to work the best!
"How are you doing today?" "What are you up to?" "How are you feeling?" "How's your week going?" Then zip your lips, give them your full attention and show signs of interest, empathy and support through your body language. Do not minimize their feelings or give advice unless asked. Most people don't want a problem solver, they want someone to care and understand what they are going through.
I will close this post with a shout out to my fellow Single-Lifers!! We are a rare breed!
I know you will share in this sentiment when I say that it has been an honor and a great privilege to have been gifted with this season of life to focus on self-growth and improvement. I wish all could experience this freedom!
Many single people are trapped at the infamous pity-party. I started off there but thankfully was able to catch an uber ride home. I consider myself extremely blessed to be able to say that I have mastered this season of life and won't trade it in for anyone, except for the right person for me.
As successful, master-level, Single- Lifers, me and my fellow Lifers are not looking for "love", or "a relationship," or a "spouse," or a relationship status change, or even marriage.
We are filled with love and it is all around us. We are completely and utterly in love with the life we have worked hard to build on our own.
We are not willing to risk all we have built on pairing up with the wrong person. We do not settle for the wrong match just to avoid being alone. We love being alone. There is much more to life than a single-focused goal of marriage.
We will only give up our time and freedom for the right person who is worth our investment of energy, who will make our lives even better, instead of dragging us down.
The right match will be an asset, not a liability and we will be the same to them!
Please comment if you wish to share your thoughts on this topic. I pray this post sets you free to find yourself, regardless of your relationship status, and serves as inspiration on your path to living your very best life for the rest of your days!
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