I recently saw a social media post that said:
"Happy Wife, Happy Life.
The most narcissistic statement ever.
It should be:
Happy Spouse, Happy House."
What is your initial reaction to this?
I definitely found it to be an interesting and fairly valid point. I fully understood the concern that the content creator was getting at.
For any wife out there who takes this statement and uses it in a threatening manner towards her husband to demand that she gets any and everything she wants, otherwise, she will do her best to make his life miserable...
This would definitely be an indicator of a narcissistic, abusive woman, using this popular expression in a manipulative and toxic way.
Fortunately, I don't personally know any women like this. We would not be friends. I am guessing maybe the above content creator has brushed shoulders with a few.
I always imagined that this Happy Wife, Happy Life colloquialism originated from a light-bulb epiphany-type moment that a newly married man once had, maybe while out golfing with his buddies.
He was probably on the 9th hole, making light conversation, when it hit him like a ton of bricks... "Wow, when my wife is happy, my world is so much brighter and safer. I don't have to walk on eggshells and I can enjoy whatever it is I am doing, without constant worry that I'm going to piss her off."
Of course, I could be way off here. Maybe guys don't talk about this stuff or think these thoughts while golfing. I am a lady and I don't golf. But I do make it a point to try to understand how my fellow humans think and experience emotions.
Anyways, my thought process is that this expression originated as a simple matter of FACT. Nothing more, nothing less. And of course, the opposite is true too, when it comes to our husbands. So, absolutely, Happy Spouse, Happy House, would be much more accurate and all-encompassing statement to use here.
Phew! Now that we got that out of the way....
*Happy House Vibes Below
So... Happy Spouse, Happy House-- glad we got that straightened out!
How can we keep our spouse happy so that we can keep our house happy?
We can't. That's their job. Our only job is to not upset them, hurt them, or bring them down. We should definitely encourage them and uplift them with our words as much as possible!! However, it is NOT our responsibility to keep them happy (which would indicate at all times.) This is far too great of a burden to bear. This is an unhealthy, unrealistic expectation that often leads to divorce (or a life of misery) and also is the perfect recipe for a codependent relationship, which is something you do not want to be involved in.
Happy Spouse, Happy House
It is wrong or unfortunate that this is the reality in a relationship? And if it is not our job to keep our spouse happy, what can we do?
Well, when you care about someone (on any level), and you see that they are not feeling well, (whether it's mentally, emotionally or physically), it's really difficult not to care and feel bad about it and want to help. That's empathy, and empathy is a good quality to possess.
Let's take that a step further... When you love someone more than anyone else in the world, and you can see that they are unhappy or hurting, and you LIVE with them, (therefore, you are constantly witnessing this-- it's not a friend or coworker you see on and off), it's going to bring your mood down. It's almost impossible to feel good or enjoy life, when the love of your life is suffering. These are just basic facts that I think are important to verbalize and normalize here.
When this is a chronic situation, the person may be chronically ill, (this could be a chronic medical condition OR this could be clinical depression/ anxiety/ or other mental illness,) it is imperative that both parties make self-care a priority and seek the help and support they need, both individually or independently, and together as a couple. Caregiver role strain is a real thing, and it is important that the "healthier" person, does not begin to neglect their own health and wellness, or basic needs, as they become so desperate to help and care for their partner in the battle at hand. You gotta stay strong, healthy and positive (re-charged), so that you can be the most effective support system, and encourager for your beloved spouse. It is not selfish to make time to keep your personal commitments and recharge when you are feeling burnt out and hopeless. They need you at your best, and they probably do not wish that you suffer with them 24/7.
When it comes to those of us who are overall, fairly healthy, it is very important to pay attention to the Happy Spouse Happy House dynamic when you are having a bad day or a bad week. Your job is to protect your spouse and not bring them down with you, every time you are having a not-so-great moment.
We all go through hard times in life, and when you are in a marriage-type- relationship, it is important to be aware that your personal battles can negatively impact your spouse more than you know. Even if you are a masterfully skilled at not taking your anger or frustration out on your spouse by accident, if they constantly see you miserable, they are likely going to feel like a failure. Even if, whatever you are going through has absolutely nothing to do with them. Remember, they love you and they want to see you happy. If they can't fix the problem, they are going to feel like they are failing at their job as your spouse, whether this is right or wrong, it's the most natural reaction.
Likewise, if you are constantly in a bad mood, stressed, or cranky, this is going to bring your spouse's mood and motivational levels down over the long haul. Or they are going to have to limit their time with you, to protect their own peace and happiness (I don't think you want that either.)
It is far too easy to become lazy and codependent in a long-term relationship and over-rely on our partner to make us feel good. When you are single, you don't have that one person you can blame all of your problems on, or expect to meet all of your needs and put up with your unapologetic mood changes. You don't have someone you can come home to and dump all of your work-stress and complaints onto the second you walk in the door. You don't have someone you can criticize around the house and nitpick at for any messes, because it's all you.
When you are single, you have to use your coping skills, passions, self-care practices, friends, family, mentors, and maybe even a therapist, to help you when you are not feeling your best.
MARRIAGE SHOULD BE NO DIFFERENT.
Your partner is there to support your, love, you and encourage you through the good times and the bad.
But they are likely not meant to be your psychologist, physical therapist, massage therapist, gynecologist, personal trainer, tax preparer, meal preparer, sugar daddy, car mechanic, lawn maintenance, shopping buddy, ETC. ETC. at your beck and call. THEY HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF YOU. They have their own to-do list. They have people micromanaging them at work. Do you really think they want to deal with being micromanaged at home, once they finally get to their safe place and are able to kick back and relax?
Hire out some of those services to professionals! If God has sent you someone to be all of these things for you, wow. He does specialize in the impossible. I can't argue with that.
But my point is, some of us expect our spouse to fulfill roles that they are not meant to fulfill. Especially when it comes to medical needs or mental health needs. Please see a specialist! Please don't dump on your spouse every time you have a bad day at work, or an argument with a girlfriend! Grab a journal and a pen or go for a run. Pet the dog or volunteer at a shelter if you don't have a dog.
Learn how to manage your own struggles with depression and anxiety, with the help of a healthcare provider. Then you can communicate your treatment plan to your spouse. This will allow them to serve as accountability and encouragement to you and will equip them to avoid major triggers for you. However, it is NOT their job to figure out your treatment plan for you, nor to cure your depression and anxiety! **This stands true, even if, you marry a doctor, mental health professional or therapist. To protect the sacred and romantic dynamics of your union, it is likely in your best interest to not rely on them as your free provider for many reasons. They signed up to be your spouse, not your provider. It is a very HEAVY burden to try to act as both, simultaneously. *** Find a good doctor, a good therapist, a good support group, and other treatment modalities that help you.
Marriage is serious business. Being single is a heck of a lot easier. Our nation is in desperate need of perquisite courses on emotional intelligence, communication, attachment styles, boundaries, growth patterns, and triggers which should be offered in high schools and colleges, to prepare individuals to succeed in a lifelong, sacred commitment. The strength and stability of the family unit is the core of society. It contributes to and has the power to greatly reduce larger macro-economic and health problems, not limited to: rates of poverty, crime, violence, school shootings, substance abuse, suicide and other mental health crises which are on the rise. If most of us can't stick with a video that is longer than 5 minutes, or maintain a friendship past the two-year mark, we probably have no business putting a ring on it, NOR should we be birthing innocent humans into the world, yet. We have some self-work to do first, before we get there. There is no shame in that. HELLO! Can anybody hear me on this? I'm sure I've ruffled some feathers with this one.
Disclaimer: my posts always come from a place of no judgment, it's all LOVE and genuine concern! There's always room for growth and improvement. I do not agree with the mindset that things are just the way they are, and there is nothing we can do about it. There is always more work to be done! And it always starts with more love and compassion for ourselves and for our neighbors.
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