Okay, am I really saying that no one should ask for advice…ever?
No, of course not. But based on the way that a good majority of us ask for advice, I am suggesting we pause and rethink our strategy. Many of us are over-dependent on asking others for advice the moment we cannot figure something out. We call So-and-so right away and if they don’t answer the phone, we move right down our contact list.
I’ve been there, on both ends of the exchange. And I’ve witnessed many others do the same.
The pointers I am about to share in this post could seem super obvious to you or may be completely foreign. We all have different backgrounds and upbringings. What may seem like common sense to one person, may not be to another.
Ladies, I will mention that this post is mainly for us. (This whole blog site is actually). Disclaimer: I have no idea how men ask for advice, nor do I have any clue if their strategies are more effective or not. If you are a man reading this post, I have no idea how relevant it may or may not be to you. Feel free to let me know in the comment section!
What I am mainly concerned about at this time, is the way in which many of us women ask for and dish out advice- almost recklessly. This has actually been bothering me for a very long time.
Let’s establish some ground rules to improve the outcomes…
Rule #1: Asking for Advice should always be approached with caution.
With caution? Really? Don’t you think that’s a little dramatic?
No, I do not and here is why...
Because receiving the wrong advice, in some situations, can be more detrimental than receiving no advice at all.
Try to remember a time when you, or someone close to you, received really bad advice. What was it? Were you able to recognize it right away and disregard, or did it somehow seem to negatively infiltrate your decision-making process?
You may be thinking, “Okay… So, what am I supposed to do instead? I am asking for advice because I don’t know what to do. What’s the alternative?
Well, I have some ideas…
First, try to think of a time when you thought you needed advice but was unable to get any. What happened?
I don’t know about you, but I have observed an interesting phenomenon here:
Oftentimes, when we don’t ask for advice and instead end up waiting out the situation, (whether it’s an intentional waiting out or a default result of not knowing what to do,) something interesting takes place…
We gain some sort of mental clarity on the situation, even if it takes a while. OR things fall into place the way they are supposed to, even without any strong action on our end.
Now, let's be real. Of course, there is no way to guarantee this will happen for you every time you face a dilemma, and it especially won’t happen in all circumstances.
And of course, there will always be certain situations which require immediate action on your end. But it should be obvious that we are not referring to those bigtime, urgent dilemmas.
What we are referring to are those common workplace, school, relationship, family and friendship problems that most human beings face on a daily basis. My recommendation is giving some of these small dilemmas or conflicts a little bit more rest time and thought/prayer before calling friends and family up in an attempt to solve them.
You may find more peace and less confusion, when you give your brain time to process and weigh the different options and pros vs. cons, instead of obtaining many conflicting and personally biased opinions from your loved ones. The good news is, you can always ask for advice later on if you remain stuck after a substantial period of waiting it out.
Rule #2: Both Advice Seekers and Advice Givers have a duty. Unfortunately, many of us are completely unaware of this- which is part of the problem. Below is a guide for advice seekers.
My Duties as an Advice Seeker:
*Right hand raised: I have a duty to avoid the following mistakes:
Mistake #1: Asking for advice WITHOUT providing enough background information or details on the situation to equip the person to provide the best advice possible for your unique predicament.
This happens so often that I want to make the above sentence size 100 font. This mistake can be detrimental to our lives, depending on the nature and gravity of the dilemma at hand. I will share one obvious, egregious example to illustrate this mistake. Sadly, this is commonplace. I find it all too upsetting to witness anymore.
Scenario:
Woman asks friends, family, or church members/leaders for advice on her marriage, on whether she should stay or leave…
She shares a small smattering of issues that she and her husband have faced. But due to fear, embarrassment and/or a need for privacy SHE NEGLECTS TO SHARE THAT SHE IS BEING PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY ABUSED OR CHEATED ON.
The well-intentioned advice givers, all advise her to stay in the marriage, seek counseling and try to work out these substantially smaller marital issues and conflicts that she has shared with them.
Woman stays in the [abusive] marriage.
I am going to refrain from going on in all caps about how big of a problem this is. Please pause here and take a moment for more reflection. If this is as far as you get into this blog post, I will be satisfied with my investment of time in writing on this topic.
Mistake #2: Asking the WRONG people for advice.
Ladies, this is another giant and extremely common mistake many of us make! When faced with a dilemma, we may commonly go to family members, friends, or coworkers (or all the above) for advice, without any relevant rhyme or reason. This is basically asking whoever is in nearest proximity OR assuming our favorite loved ones always know best, OR following the idea that the more people you ask, the better off you’ll be- as if it is a probability game and the greater the quantity of advice the better the results.
There are a few problems here. First, THIS IS NOT A POLL. If your strategy has been to ask as many people as possible for their opinions to see which opinion repeated itself the most/ or received the most “votes,” I would like to suggest that the strategy you have been using is all wrong.
Before you get defensive, simply ask yourself: Has my strategy been working for me?
Yes -> Great, carry on. Skip to new blog post.
No -> Develop improved strategy. Read on for tips.
Still unsure if you are making this common advice seeking mistake?
Well, are you are asking pretty much any or everyone you know, arbitrarily, with zero consideration of the credentials, experience or qualifications each person possesses to be sought out as an expert advisor on this particular genre of problem you are dealing with?
If you are always going to your mom or your best friend, simply because they are your favorite people/ primary contacts, I would like to point out the potential pitfalls of this mistake. (Yes, I just spelled pitfalls and got briefly excited and then disappointed that the word was not pitbulls).
You wouldn’t call a plumber to fix your electrical problems, would you?
Mistake # 2: CONTINUED- Calling the Wrong Person for the Job:
Scenario #1: You are single during a pandemic, working from home, in a mostly virtual world.
You are in need of dating advice, and you are asking your mom who has been with your dad for 35 years and she never dated anyone else before that. Not to mention, back when this generation was dating there was no social media, pandemic, or the many other major societal and climate changes present in today's world.
This scenario is no shade towards your mom! But come on ladies… what experience is she supposed to pull this advice from? The Bachelorette?
Scenario #2: You are starting your first business and need specific advice. You go to your coworkers and friends, who have all been working at the same job their entire lives and have no entrepreneurial goals, aspirations, or role models. What business advice are you expecting them to give you? The only thing they are going to be able to provide is a list of fears and worse-case scenarios which have kept them from pursuing anything similar.
This is likely going to subconsciously plant seeds of self-doubt and fear of failure into your mind, *even if* you consciously reject any unsupportive opinions. We all have enough self-doubt to deal with on our own. Do not subject yourself to more from your social circle. Keep your dreams and goals to yourself and only share with those who are going to motivate you or help you get there. This may require joining new FB groups and going to meetup events to reach outside of your personal circle. Find people who are already successful in the area you need help. That is who you want advice from!
To recap, your duties when you are seeking advice include:
Duty #1: Do not ask for advice UNLESS you are ready and willing to provide ALL of the necessary background information and details on the situation.
This means you vow to NOT leave out important pieces of the story that you know could affect or skew the answer your advice giver provides to you. Typically, we paint the picture in a one-sided manner, so that all of the facts we share already point the person to give us the exact advice we want to hear. This is simply seeking external support on a decision you have already made in your head. If that is what you are doing, at least be honest with yourself about it. This is not the same thing as seeking objective advice based on a full and accurate description of the issue at hand.
Duty #2: Consider the background and life experience of the person you are about to go to for advice. Are they qualified to speak on this specific topic? Do they have any experience in this area?
Yes---> Let’s say they do have experience in the area of dilemma.
NEXT level Screening tool: Do they have the success you are seeking in this particular area of life?
BEWARE of potential assessment errors!
Sample Red Flag: Anne has many years of experience in real estate investing. You later find out most of her deals have gone significantly bad over an extended period of time and she has been unable to identify what went wrong or achieve better outcomes.
Sample Red Flag: Trish is in a 10-year marriage or committed relationship. Upon further evaluation, you recognize it has a lot of the same issues you are facing, or when you step back and look, it is clear that her relationship is toxic and she is either unaware or has been unable to resolve this.
TAKE AWAY:
Oftentimes, we see a person successful and wiser than us because they appear to be where we want to be, i.e., career/ finances/ relationship status.
Before assuming they are equipped to provide you with the best advice, PLEASE do a brief analysis of the quality or mastery level of your advice giver’s situation before you go to them for “help.” Do you want to have a marriage or business like theirs?
Let’s say Trish is the only married person you know. You may assume she is the best person to give you advice on marriage, considering your lack of options.
This is a dangerous assumption! A divorced coworker who has healed from her bad marriage, identified her mistakes, and found healing and happiness from within, may be able to provide you with better marital advice than the friend who is on her 3rd marriage and still unhappy.
Finding someone who is qualified to provide you with good advice on your area of concern is actually does not have much to do with the size of their portfolio or the years of experience they possess. It also cannot be measured by who has the least number of mistakes or failures. It is all about the *quality & depth* of a person’s learning experiences and their ability to recover, grow and advance in spite of every mistake and so-called “failure.”
Last example to illustrate this: You need advice on your relationship. You go to your girlfriend who has had many, many relationships and is rarely single. From a superficial point of view, you may think she is an expert on guys and relationships.
But is she truly? Or is this an assessment error on your end?
It really depends on so many factors...
Some things to think about!
Thank you for reading! Please comment below if you found this helpful and would like me to continue with this series. The next post will likely be on: The Duties of an Advice Giver.
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